I haven't told my story to many people, but I have been moved by the people that have shared their story here. My therapist has been telling me that it might be good for me to write it down. I hadn't felt that I wanted to until now. I hope that by sharing my experience that it may help someone else to avoid a similar situation or to survive.
I was a University student studying by correspondence, so spent most of my time doing what I wanted. I could study when I wanted, I could eat when I wanted, I could relax when I wanted, I could exercise when I wanted. I thought that it was the perfect way to do my studies without the pressure of a campus life. I was and still am involved with a wonderful, caring and supportive man.
Then my world was shattered. It is a year ago now, but at times it seems like 10 years and at others it seems like it happen yesterday.
It was cold that day. I had been in the apartment studying all morning and decided that it was time to do something else. I decided that I needed to clear my mind, I felt so full of the stuff that I was studying that I couldn't digest it all. I loved running in the winter, it was so refreshing and made me feel free of the daily routine of eating, studying, exercise at the gym and sleeping.
I had been out running for about an hour, I could go further in the winter, when I decided to go back home. I was getting close to home when I saw a van parked in a no parking zone, there was 2 men inside looking at a map. As I jogged past one called out to me and asked for directions. I know the city like the back of my hand and knew exactly where the place they were looking for was. I gave them the directions that they needed and turned to go. When I turned I saw 2 more men standing at the back of the van, I assumed they had gotten out to stretch their legs. I was wrong.
As I walked past them I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was a strong grasp. I tried to pull away, but the grip got stronger, it was then that I knew that I was in trouble. I was pulled into the back of the van. There was 2 more men in there. I was gagged and handcuffed. I was terrified. I don't know how long we drove.
When the van stopped they opened the door and got out. I heard the discussing whether or not they were sure that I wouldn't be heard if I screamed. They were not focused on me and I decided that I should try to get away. I eased myself out of the van and as soon as my feet hit the ground I started to run. I didn't get far when I was tackled from behind. Oh how it hurt. I was told that it was a stupid thing to do and that I would have to be punished. That was when the knife came out. I remember the searing pain as it cut through the tender skin of my face.
I was picked up and taken inside an old building. Once inside the handcuffs and gag were removed and I was told to scream as much as I wanted, I wouldn't be heard. I didn't scream, but I begged them not to hurt me anymore. The tears that ran down my cheeks stung when they reached the gash opened up by the knife.
I was told to take off my clothes. I couldn't, the knife came again, I still couldn't, it came again, I finally did. I was humiliated already. I was told to lay down, that was the first time that I noticed the mattress on the floor, I still remember how new it looked and how out of place it seemed in the empty run down building. I couldn't lay down there, I felt that if I did it would mean that I was consenting to what I knew was about to happen.
The knife came again, this time aimed at my chest, I was told again to lay down, but my mid wouldn't let me, all I could do was say "please NO", the knife came again and then I was pushed onto the mattress.
They all took off their clothes and stood around the mattress. I was told to open my legs, I couldn't, there came the knife and my legs were pried open. The first was the worst one, it hurt so much. After that I started to go numb and a each one took their turn I felt my body slipping away from me. As the third one took his, I felt a weight on my chest, I opened my eyes to see one of them sitting on me with the knife as he told me to open my mouth or he would kill me right there, this time I did what he said, I didn't want to die and I knew that he would have done it had I refused.
I closed my eyes again as it happened. I was totally numb now, I didn't feel the pain anymore, not of the actual act or that of the knife being slice through my skin, when they had all finished I thought it was over and that they would either leave me or kill me, I was wrong again.
I was turned over, by this time I could not move. I thought that I couldn't feel the pain anymore, but I felt the pain of the rear entry and the knife making it's first slice through the skin on my back. I lost control over my body at that point I was limp.
Finally they finished. They dressed and started to leave reasoning that I was too weak from blood loss to walk and I would never be found in time. But just in case one came back and lifted my leg, I felt the knife cut through my ankle and felt my Achilles tendon retract up inside my leg. With that done, they left.
I don't know how long I layed there after they left, but I finally came to the conclusion that they were gone for good and that if I was going to survive I had to get myself out of there. I pushed myself up onto my hands and knees and crawled off the mattress, it hurt so much. I reached my clothes, but didn't have the strength to do more than put on my shirt, but the buttons were out of the question. I continued to crawl until I got to the door, where I was able to pull myself up. The pain was intense when I tried to walk and I fell, but I knew that I had to walk to save my life. They had already take so much from me I wasn't going to let them take my life.
I saw a piece of pipe laying on the ground so picked it up as I got up again. I leaned on it as much as I was physically able to. With that I started off. It was dark but the street lights allowed me to see where I was going, even though I was not really sure where I was. I walked as quickly as I could manage, it was cold, but I knew that it would help me, it would slow down the bleeding, the blood looking a brilliant red on the white snow that I was walking through, thank God there wasn't much on the ground. I was concentrating on walking when I came across a street. I decided to follow it, I wondered where all the people were, I mean this was a city after all.
I was still concentrating on walking and living when the car pulled up I heard a scream, I turned and saw a man running towards me and a woman leaning against a car. I was terrified that I was going to be hurt again and tried to run, but I fell. I cringed as the man reached me. I heard his soothing voice tell me that he wasn't going to hurt me and that everything was going to be ok now. I started to cry again. He called to the woman to call an ambulance and the police and to get the blanket from the car. She came with the blanket and they wrapped me in it. I looked into her face, there was tears running down her cheeks. I silently thanked God for them coming, they saved my life.
I heard the sirens coming, the police arrived first and I heard my name called out. I looked up and saw the police officer standing over me, when he dropped to his knees next to me I knew who it was. I started to cry harder, it was David, he is the best friend of my partner Mike as well as the best friend of one of my uncles. I looked up at him and said "David, please don't let me die like this" He was crying by now, but promised me that he wasn't going to let me die. I felt my eyes closing and then David's voice telling me I had to keep them open. I just couldn't.
I woke in hospital. Mike was beside my bed asleep in a chair. I looked at him and I knew that I was alive, just barely as it turned out. I was resuscitated twice, I had lost more than half of my blood supply in the attack and had been given many blood transfusions, I had been comatosed for 3 days, but I was still alive. David promised me that I wasn't going to die and I didn't, I wouldn't let it happen I was determined to live.
I tried to move and the nurse notice I was awake. She came in and welcomed me back to reality. I was groggy and asked what had happened, then it hit me. She saw the realisation in my face, the tears welled up in my eyes, she comforted me as best she could. My crying woke Mike. He grabbed my hand and the tears ran down his face. He told me I was safe that no one was going to hurt me anymore.
I was in hospital for a total of 12 weeks. I had 1200 stitches in my body, 400 of those in my face. But I was alive, I survived. I was visited my family, most of whom were informed by the police or more specifically David. My friends came everyday I talked to them more than anyone, except Mike. The day after I woke the police came to question me although they only asked if I could describe the person or persons that had done this to me. I did, their faces were seared into my mind. It was an interview, so Mike wasn't allowed in the room, but David was there, no one was going to stop him, he held my had throughout. My actual statement was given weeks later, after I had recovered a bit.
Four weeks after I woke I was moved out of intensive care into a private room. I psychiatrist visited me daily. I talked to her about a lot of things, she reassured me that it wasn't my fault, I hadn't done anything wrong and that it was ok to be angry or hurt or any other feeling that I had. She listened when I needed to rant and rave, she listened when I wanted to talk about other things, like Mike and my family and the loss of my parents, she listened as I talked about the rape. She was the first person I told exactly what had happened and she reassured me that I wasn't obliged to tell anyone, but that if I wanted to that I made sure that I did it when I was ready. I told Mike 6 weeks after the attack. He was loving and tender, he didn't push me, he just let me talk. I would have made it through without him.
It was 8 weeks after the attack that I gave my statement to the police, two days after they arrested 3 of the men. One of them confessed and the other 3 were quickly found and arrested also. I was given a book of 'mugshot' to look through to see if I could pick them out. I did so quickly. I found out later that one of them was on parole after serving 2 years of a 7 year sentence for the rape and murder of a 14 year old girl.
The public prosecutor came to see me in hospital, he was a kind and gentle man, who treated me with a lot of respect and understanding, as had all the police and detectives that I came into contact with. He told me that he would be surprised if there was a not-guilty plea at the arraignment the next day, but that I must prepare myself just in case. He told me that if there was, I would have to testify. As it turned out there wasn't and with my statement and the confession of one of them, they were all convicted, 5 of them for 2 counts of rape, 1 of sodomy and attempted murder each and the one that confessed was convicted of 2 counts of rape and 1 of sodomy. The 5 are now serving 25 year to life, without the chance of parole and the other 15 years. I was satisfied with the verdicts.
But my struggle to survive continued. After I was release from hospital I saw my psychiatrist 3 times a week and had physical therapy twice a week. I gave up on my university studies, I doubt that I will ever go back, my memory isn't what it used to be. My physical scars are all too obvious, but my emotional scars are less obvious.
I still find it difficult to go outside on my own. I hate being alone. Mike has been a life line for me, but it has taken it's toll on him as well. He goes to a group for survivor's friends and families once a week, as do quite a few of my family and friends. When they go, David stays with me. At times I find having everyone around me smothering, but then again, I can't stand to be alone.
I have incredible emotional swings, especially with Mike, one moment I want him to hold me, the next I can't stand being close to him. I have hideous flashbacks and panic attacks, but he is there through all of it and I love him dearly for it. But lately the good days have been out numbering the bad and I am getting stronger. I now only see my psychiatrist once a week and am no longer in physical therapy.
I still find intimacy a big problem, but I guess that I just need more time. Mike has told me that he will wait forever if I ask him to, but I can't do that and I wont let that happen. I know that I have come a long way in a year. I accept that it wasn't my fault and I don't feel guilty. I think that the most important part of my recovery has been surrounding myself with loving and accepting people and allowing them to help me when I needed it.
I have been asked why I haven't had surgery to correct the scars on my face and body, I know that one day I will, but at the moment it is a sign for me that I am a survivor and that whatever that they took from me, I didn't let them take my life. Self esteem, self worth and dignity can be reclaimed and I am well on my way to doing that, but your life can never be reclaimed after it is gone and I was determined that I was going to be a survivor not a statistic.
I know that this is a fairly graphic account, but I needed to write it. I hope that it hasn't cause anyone any more pain. This has been part of therapy for me. I do feel better now that I have written it down. It has taken me a long time and a lot of tears to get to the end of this account and I know that this isn't the end. I still have a long way to go, but with the help of Mike and my loving family and friends I know that I will make it through and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that everyone that is going through the struggle can see that light, but if you ever need help I am only an email away, please feel free to write to me, I will always be here getting stronger and better everyday. I would also like to thank Tiana for her wonderful site and for giving me a place to tell my story and for her wonderful message forum. I know that it will become a place that I visit regularly, to help others, as well as to get advice, caring and understanding.
Thank You. Maple
